How Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Adult Lives: A Conversation with Grief Counselor Bridget Seletka
Grief is a universal human experience, yet our society struggles deeply with how to address it. In a recent conversation with grief counselor Bridget Seledka, we explored the complexities of loss, trauma, and healing in midlife. What emerged was a powerful reminder that grief isn't something we "get over"—it becomes integrated into who we are.
One of the most poignant moments in our discussion centered around the importance of saying the names of those we've lost. Bridget highlighted how people often avoid mentioning the deceased for fear of causing pain, yet this silence can actually deepen the griever's isolation. When I asked Bridget about her mother, she shared that her mom's name was Alice—a nurse who spent 50 years caring for others, ending her career in hospice. Similarly, I spoke about my mother Susan. These simple acts of naming brought our loved ones into the conversation, making them present rather than relegated to the shadows of memory.
The concept of "grief avoidance" emerged as a significant cultural problem. Unlike Victorian times when mourning had established rituals, today's society expects people to return to work and normal functioning almost immediately after loss. We've lost the collective wisdom about how to grieve well. This grief avoidance creates additional suffering as people feel pressured to hide their pain, pretending to be fine when they're actually struggling deeply. The authentic personal connections that allow for honest expression of grief become precious and rare.
Bridget shared a fascinating perspective on nature's role in healing from grief and trauma. As a certified nature-informed therapist, she views nature as "a mirror, a mentor, and medicine." The natural world reflects our internal emotional state, teaches us profound lessons about life and death, and provides genuine healing. Our ancestors lived primarily outdoors, and our modern disconnection from nature has implications for our psychological well-being. Research confirms that spending time in natural settings can significantly improve mental health outcomes, which explains why places like Estes Park, with its majestic landscapes, can feel like thin spaces where heaven and earth meet.
Childhood trauma, particularly the loss of a parent, creates lasting impacts that often manifest in adulthood. Attachment wounds can lead to difficulties in relationships, including abandonment fears and trust issues. Some individuals may develop maladaptive coping mechanisms, while others might become people-pleasers or emotional bottlers. Importantly, Bridget noted that access to resources and early intervention can significantly influence long-term outcomes. Having supportive adults who allow open conversation about loss rather than enforcing silence can make a profound difference in healing.
One of the most beautiful concepts Bridget shared was Irvin Yalom's "ripple effect"—the idea that when we lose someone, their influence continues to ripple outward through us, our children, and future generations. This perspective offers comfort by helping us see that our loved ones are never truly gone. They live on in our mannerisms, values, and the work we do. This ripple effect was evident in how both Bridget and I followed in our mothers' healthcare footsteps—her mother was a hospice nurse, while mine was also a nurse.
Finding specialized help for grief, particularly traumatic grief, can be challenging. Bridget cautioned that while many mental health professionals list grief counseling as a service, not all have specific training in this area. She advocates for asking potential therapists about their specific experience and training with grief work. Her involvement with Mosaics, a Texas-based nonprofit that helps connect people with appropriate mental health services, demonstrates the critical need for better systems to match people with the right support.
The conversation ultimately circled back to the healing power of authentic connection—with nature, with trained professionals, and with each other. As we sat on the porch of Seven Keys Lodge, surrounded by golden aspens in Estes Park, the therapeutic value of such spaces became undeniable. There's something profoundly healing about allowing ourselves to slow down, connect with nature, and speak openly about those we've lost and how they've shaped us.